Well, it's beginning again ... a new year, and a new battle. Yup, I'm beginning the battle yet again AGAIN AGAIN ... geez, why am I here again? Why can't I succeed at this weight loss thing? What the heck is wrong with me?
I feel like crap. I have no energy, I am struggling daily to just do the normal daily stuff, not to mention doing office work for our company. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year, and, after searching and searching online the last few days, thinking I must be absolutely going nuts, I realize the way I feel is normal ... well, not exactly normal, but normal for a fibromyalgia sufferer. I can hardly lift my arms. My hands aren't working right ... when I try to type on my laptop I'm reversing letters in words, struggling to get my thoughts out. My head is completely foggy ... I can't plan my day. I wander doing little jobs but never seem to finish them. I have a houseful of unfinished work. I can't seem to organize stuff, and I don't have the energy to. I feel the blahs, bigtime. I feel guilty for feeling like this. When I sit for a long period of time (when working or if hunky hubby takes me to the movies!) my legs drive me nuts. I'm constantly moving them to make them feel better. It's not intense pain, more like discomfort ... like I have to move them or I'm going to scream. It's RLG ... restless leg syndrome. Headaches ... been driving me nuts. Finally gave in and had acupuncture last night to see if that would help. No headache today ... milestone!! I haven't been to the gym or done any wii-fitting in a couple of months. I forced myself to walk this morning, through 4 inches of snow ... the cold air felt great, but after 2 big laps of my normal walk route around our acre yard, I couldn't do anymore ... I felt completely fatigued. I just want to lay down and sleep. Nothing else.
Am I experiencing symptoms of depression? Internet research says definitely. Is depression a symptom of fibromyalgia? You betcha. They go hand in hand. Restless leg syndrome? Yup, it's a symptom, too. Headaches? Yup. Extreme fatigue? Yup.
So what am I good at? Right now it's eating. My weight is back up to where it was a year ago. Eating makes me feel better somehow. So you guessed it, that's definitely not helping my weight ... and weight doesn't help fibromyalgia sufferers, either. Can't exercise, too sore and tired. So that doesn't help either. It's a vicious cycle. Eating+no exercise=weight gain.
So ... doctor's appointment is booked for January 31st ... do I want to be medicated? No way ... but I'm seriously considering it. I'm so tired of being tired ... tired of it all. I want my life back. I used to have tons of energy, doing everything I wanted to do ... it was always me who volunteered to do things or help someone out "ask Janet, she always helps!!" and I loved that ... now I don't even want to do that. Don't want to cook, clean, work, exercise, enjoy the sun and snow, help friends ... I just want to sleep. Uugh. What an awful feeling ...
I'm not really sure hubby understands completely ... he's sympathetic to my fatigue and pain, but thinks I should bounce right back in the morning and be all sunshine and smiles. I try to put on a front for him, but it's getting old. I just don't have it in me anymore. He must see it though, looking around the house ... things just aren't how they should be or where they should be. I feel awful about it. But I think it's time I get help, whether it's from a bottle or something else. I am blessed with a very strong marriage, 22 1/2 years, so I'm thankful for that. That's one thing that does give me some strength every day to fight back. I adore my husband.
So a new year WILL bring a new me ... or bring the old me BACK ... I am going to try everything it takes to get out from under this cloud. It sucks. Am I feeling sorry for myself? No, I think I've just finally realized living like this isn't normal, and there is help out there for fibromyalgia suffers, you just have to ask for it. You have to look after yourself, because no one else will.
And I'm never going to win this weight battle until I win the fibromyalgia battle ... I know now they go hand in hand.
Thanks for reading!
J
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